A Satire Piece By Valentina Hartman AKA The Relationship Rebel

Do you struggle with monogamy? Has your relationship grown stale and boring? Did you get caught with a chick on the side?

Have you considered giving polyamory a try?

There is no need to waste hundreds of dollars on therapy or a divorce. Simply open up your relationship to bandage all those problems. Clearly, if one relationship is challenging, two or even three are a cinch!

There are a few ways you can bring this up with your current partner. The first is to find someone you are wildly attracted to, flirt heavily but don’t act on it, and find out if they have feelings for you. Once this has been established, you can drop it like a bomb on your partner’s lap and leave them with only two choices. They suck it up and accept you’re no longer monogamous, or they can leave. This option may come with extra work, but sometimes you can’t avoid the work.

If you want an approach that comes with no work at all, simply don’t tell your partner. Isn’t that just cheating? Technically, yes, but hey, what they don’t know won’t hurt them. Right?

The third approach is to bring it up before you meet someone and try to have a calm conversation. Now, this will require a lot of work, but how much work it will actually take depends on how much you are willing to talk and compromise. Of course, if you were already talking and compromising, would you need to use non-monogamy to save your relationship? That would be so backward! Work on your relationship first? Pass!

Once you have had the conversation, it’s time for step two. Let me pause for a moment and say congratulations if you chose option two. You are done and have no need to read further. Continuing on for the rest of us. Step two is choosing what your non-monogamy will look like.

The umbrella of non-monogamy is large. You have your swingers. They primarily have casual sexual encounters and are known to play together. Next, you have your “open relationships.” Those still tend to stay casual, and you may choose not to know anything about what your partner does. The most important part of open relationships is to protect your relationship by never allowing the other to catch feelings and pretend they are at the library when they are gone.

The third is polyamory. This is for those who want the sex but also want to slap a pretty label on it so they don’t feel guilty about being horny. Purity culture: she’s a bitch. But I regress: polyamory, also known as “having your cake and eating it too.” You get to enjoy the perks of love and ooey-gooey feelings, sex, and keeping your current relationship! Everyone wins!

You may ask, “Valentina, how do I protect my relationship in all of this?” Don’t worry; I got you!

Let’s start with the rules. Have rules. There are lots of rules. So many rules! And don’t forget the most important rule. The one penis policy. Don’t worry if your partner has no attraction to people with vaginas. That doesn’t matter. What matters is that there is only one penis, and it’s your penis! No one in your relationship has a penis? That’s ok! The no-penis policy is a thing too!

Next, only date together. That’s right. You are now a package deal. You don’t have the same type? Well, that sucks for the most passive one in the relationship. Keep meeting people who aren’t interested in both of you? Obviously, something is wrong with them if they can’t see how awesome and sexy you two are as a couple. A two-for-one deal! Who would pass that up?

Sabotage every dating opportunity your partner has. Veto that person they haven’t met yet. Find reasons why they can’t go on dates. Throw a fit every time they leave. Criticize every minute flaw you can find in the person they are dating.

Your golden ticket is veto power. Never give up veto power. Your partner can’t leave you if you never let them actually meet anyone! Your partner can’t get too close if you pull out a veto as soon as they start catching feelings!

Before I go, I should warn you of one thing. There is a group of people who call themselves ethically non-monogamous or consensually non-monogamous. They will try to fill your head with silly ideas like authentic connection, boundaries, healthy communication, and, worst of all, autonomy. Don’t listen to them. Avoid them at all costs. If you must engage in conversation, don’t be swayed by logic. You know you’re not like other couples. I know it too. I believe in you.

I wish you luck on your journey to save your relationship. Should you find yourself in a therapist’s office, well, better luck next time!

Valentina Hartman is a satirical blogger, “The Relationship Rebel.” She is one of the hosts of the up-and-coming podcast “Polycafe.org.” Valentina has been the moderator of the Las Vegas Poly Discussion Group for two years and expanded to a second location in Henderson one year ago. She is a volunteer events coordinator for the polyamory community and is passionate about normalizing non-monogamy.

You can find her blog at:
relationship-rebel.com
Facebook: The Relationship Rebel
Instagram: the_relationship_rebel
Tiktok: @relationship.rebel

You can find her Podcast at: polycafe.org
Spotify: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/polycafe
Facebook: Poly Cafe
Instagram: poly_cafe_podcast

This article was originally published in the second issue of <em>PROUD &amp; Kinky</em> Magazine. <a href=”https://proudandkinky.com/?r3d=issue-1″>You may read it in its original format here.</a>

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