Educate Yourself: How to Communicate, Set Boundaries, and Make Decisions About Sex
By Mae Ling
Oof, there are so many things to learn in life. How to tie your shoes, how to be successful, how to invest, so many how to’s! Well here’s another one, but this one is a little truer and more dear to yourself. Think of it as how to invest in your own sexual happiness. Yes, you can have good sex. You can have healthy sex. You can have sex on your own terms. Seems simple and easy enough right? Or some of you might think the very thought of it to be ghastly and exhausting to even discuss such topics with oneself or better yet, with your partner. So let’s rip off that Band-Aid and start having the kind of sex that you want. The mind blowing sex that makes your genitals pulsate, light your soul on fire and leaves your body tingling with pleasure.
It’s really quite simple to read about. Putting it in action, takes practice and having grace for yourself. There’s a few key ingredients to creating this magical potion. The ritual in which you carry out, I will leave up to you.
Step one: Do you know what you want?
We all like diversity and change, so when I ask: “Do you know what you want?” The question is for right now. In the very present moment that you are about to take on this sexual adventure or seek it out. What are you open to exploring? What types of touch would you want to experience? What would be your ideal sexual encounter right now? Do you even want penetration? If so, what kind; mouth, hand, toy, dildo. This also includes things you do not want. I know, getting to know yourself takes time, but trust me once you understand your own body, it’ll make reaching for the things you want a whole lot easier. One of ways to explore what you want and enjoy is through self pleasure and masturbation. This form of self love is a natural way to boost your mood and allows you to view your pleasure through the lens of self care and self love. If you are unable to access love for yourself, finding out what you want becomes an even more difficult task. Healthy sexual experiences comes from self love and awareness.
Ask yourself these questions before you enter a sexual space.
What am I excited to explore with this person?
What are my hard limits? Places I want to touch and be touched?
How do I want to feel from this sexual exploration before, during, and after?
These questions will help you understand and shape your own fantasy. Knowing what you want is indeed helpful. However, if you’re feeling stuck, try working your way backwards. Lead with the things you do not want to happen. By understanding your own boundaries and knowing what you are comfortable with; you can then bring this to your partner and co-create a hot erotic dance. If you have a specific idea of what you would like, share that with your partner. If you are just open to a wide variety or multitude of experiences to come, let them know, but don’t forget to cover your boundaries of the things you do not want.
Step two: How to communicate what you want. Setting boundaries.
Now that you know your body and your boundaries allow those answers to feel exciting and electrifying to you and we get into step 2. Let’s get it out of your head and into the head of your partner or partners. Yes, the scary bit. Think of it as radical vulnerability. If you speak this scary bit into reality then you will have a higher chance of experiencing only the good bits, that will leave you feeling empowered during and (most importantly) after the experience. If you think having a conversation about what you want during any type of sexual encounter can be a “mood killer” trust me, when I say that what isn’t discussed by both parties, can mean that you’re on a different page or even in a different book. It can become such a mood killer that you may never read together again.
Why can’t our partners just read our minds and carry out whatever intense fantasy it is? Why must you vocalize it? It might be slow or hard at first, but this skill of vocalizing becomes stronger and more streamlined with practice. Consider how difficult it is to survive or just go through the motions of something that you did not want to occur. Communication is the key – yes, you’ve probably heard it before and I’m also going to say it here. No one truly can make that fantasy come true, if you don’t share it. Nervous about sharing a side of yourself that you haven’t shared with anyone else? If you find the feelings of guilt, shame, and judgment coming up for you perhaps you are sharing your body with the wrong person or perhaps you might not be ready for this encounter, at the present moment. Remember, staying present is the first step in this journey. It’s a sign of strength and self awareness to work on yourself and return to a situation when you are ready. People should make you feel good and not just sexually but also emotionally, where your whole entire being sings.
One way to keep things hot and sexy, is to bring up your fantasy within the dirty talk leading up to the encounter. Tease them with the idea of what you want to happen. Verbalize your literotica and create a story together. Encourage them to add on their own version of the story too. This process can be extremely hot and lead into the act itself where you might continue it as you go. Just remember to check in and ask for consent before getting into dirty talk, your partner might not be in the same head space especially if you’re communicating via text.
Step three: Enforcing consent.
If you know what you want or don’t want and you have vocalized it, your partner should respect that. That’s how consent works, respecting each other’s boundaries. Making you feel heard and safe. Trusting each other to go even deeper into the next stages of your sexual selves. Unless consensual non-consent (CNC) is a part of the fantasy then everyone participating should be on the same page. If CNC is what you are playing with, then all the more power to you that you trust this individual enough to push your boundaries in the hottest ways. However, CNC should not be a first time sexual venture, part of building trust with a partner is showing good judgement. Jumping into CNC doesn’t not convey good judgment or stability, and it might be a red flag. These are just the guidelines in which I hope people will practice to explore in a safe and symbiotic relationship, every relationship is different and is worthy of respect.
This also means getting comfortable with saying no. I could write a whole other article about this process but we’ll sum it up here. It is not on you to satisfy your partner’s sexual desires. If you want to give because that is the space in which you are capable of holding, then it will be magical. If you do not have the energy to give and the expectation is placed upon you, then a discussion needs to be had. Do not use this ‘no’ as a harsh rejection but simply state that you are unable to hold such space for them. You can follow up this no, with an alternative proposition, this is called negotiation and it is the foundation to sex positive experiences. Saying no and being firm with it is the best way to protect yourself for future mind blowing sex. It does not need to happen every time someone comes knocking on the door for it. There will be plenty of other opportunities to be had by forgoing the ones you do not want. If you say yes and are untrue to yourself, you are only depleting your own energy and it might leave you with regrets or heavy feelings after the encounter.
It takes a lot of practice, but if you continually utilize these steps it will become the new norm of communication for you, allowing you to manifest marvelous sexual experiences. The more you apply this method, the more it becomes a habit, the quicker you are able to navigate through sexual spaces, the better you become at making decisions. The more power you have at taking your own sexual journey into your own hands and having what you want, the sex that you not only dream about but can create meaningful and powerful connections.
Mae Ling or Miss Mae Ling to many, is a huge proponent for kink and the lifestyle it leads. She attests to the power of BDSM and its healing powers and loves to share that opportunity and space with others. You can find more of what she does through her website: missmaeling.com or follow her on her socials Twitter @missmaeling and Instagram @adorabledomme