By SaFireSunSet

I have been in and out of the kink community since I was 18, and here at 32 I am finally getting back fully into it, and in a rather big way, with a live performance on stage at a local kink event.

I will admit that I was pretty nervous at first, getting myself prepped in the dressing room behind the stage. I didn’t really know what to do with myself, stressing a bit over the smallest things, fussing over what little I was wearing, but also the adrenaline of anticipation coursing through my veins, and the thought of backing out never crossed my mind.

Being brought out on stage by Mistress Lilith Corruptela, funny enough, calmed my nerves, the lights of the stage making it hard to see how many people were there (spoiler, apparently more than I thought) and, for a brief moment, taking me back to my time in the theater. I wasn’t sure what to expect as I lay down on the rather comfy bench, relaxing into the beginnings of subspace. I had done light cupping in the past but not combined with other impact play. The tight, restricting feeling of the cups on my body eased my mind into a contented headspace. Then, the first drips of wax hitting my skin with quick little flashes of warm, delicious pain and pleasure hit me harder than I was expecting.

I have not really done much in the way of heavy sensation or heavy kink play since starting HRT in December 2020. While I am pretty intimately familiar with the more “vanilla” ways my body responds to pleasure since HRT, this was a learning experience about how much more enjoyable this new estrogen-fueled body finds these things.

With each drip of hot wax, I couldn’t help but shiver, causing the cups on my back to make themselves immediately more noticeable in delightful contrast to the pleasurable warm electricity of the wax. Once the cups had been removed, the freshly tortured blood-saturated skin had its turn with the dripping wax. That’s when things really started to feel good, like hot nails dragging in random patterns across my back. I could feel each distinct drip on the red circular marks. There was a livewire from my nipples to my girldick, and sensations racing up and down my spine. I felt my mind slipping even more into a blissfully subby space, something I have been craving for a long time.

By the end of the wax/cupping, my head was light and fuzzy with pleasure, and my skin was so very sensitive that all I could do was enjoy being submerged in that feeling, patiently waiting for what was next to come. That delightful surprise was the feeling of the knife gently scraping the wax from my back. Just remembering the sensation of the sharp, cold blade running over my warm skin, picking up flecks of wax as it made its way down my back, has my spine shivering and my thighs rubbing together.

Once it was time for the impact portion, I was grateful for the wrist binds that kept me restrained and standing. My knees were already weak; if I hadn’t been held up, that first crack against my skin would have sent me down to the ground. Like a blown fuse killing the lights, my mind stopped. I felt the shock of that first hit from the tips of my toes to the roots of my hair, releasing with it the first proper ragged moan from my throat. Those initial few hits blended together, but with that first uptick in intensity, I knew this would be something special for me.

I had all but forgotten about the people watching, lost in my own pleasure and the enjoyment Mistress Lilith was having with me. Once the hits started coming faster and I could hear the audience reacting, the feeling of being watched kicked everything up a notch for me. I’ve always wanted to perform like this in front of a crowd, but I didn’t really think I could call it “performing” as I was just letting myself stay in the present, reacting to the sensations, not holding anything back. As the scene progressed, I felt my pleasure building deep inside me, riding the wave of growing warmth approaching orgasm, my legs shaking, and my voice rough from near-constant sounds that were escaping my lips. The pain intermixed with soothing rubs on my back and butt, the varying intensity and changing implements eventually keeping me on the edge of crossing that line. Each breath taken in anticipation of the next strike, knowing my body was a canvas, melting into the mix of pain and pleasure and allowing everything out, was something I knew I needed but in ways that I wasn’t even aware of until it was happening.

As the session finished and I was told to take a bow, I caught a glimpse of just how many people had gathered, and I felt some of the strongest self-confidence and self-desire I have ever felt, and that has stuck with me and only grown in the year since.

Mistress Lilith was an absolute joy to work with, and I felt safe in her hands. I can’t imagine a more perfect way to dive headfirst back into the community and the local scene, and I look forward to continuing to build upon these experiences in my future scenes.

This article was originally published in the second issue of PROUD & Kinky Magazine. You may read it in its original format here.

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